Books, movies and music, that is, there is a huge cultural production dedicated StrictlyClothing is that influential but kind man. Affectionate and protective, yet naughty and cheeky. But with an almost unchanging detail – married. Well, this love story is not of today. Marquesa de Santos d. Pedro I is known to have been a famous lover, said to have been an incoherent feminist. Alexander the Great married a woman, but historian Diodorus Siculus claims that the warrior had at least one male lover, Hepheastion. In fact, it was not just the scattered desires, the bonds of the soul, to the point that one of the most valiant men could go without food and drink when he knew of the death of his loved one.
Now going back to modern times – is there any other purpose to explain this stigma / dependence on married men? Everyone must know a woman who only goes out with a man who has a wife, it feels like a magnet, whenever she is with someone she is elected before the law. Was he a fetish? Victims of masculinity? Seduced by oppressors? ‘Forbidden and dangerous desires’ often arouse imagination. Also, competition may be involved – if he’s with me, am I ‘better’ than the opponent? A masochism, perhaps, do I need to be with someone who hurts me, who expresses my emotional sorrows? It may be the same for men, but with the strong addition that there is a married man who secretly goes out with other men because he still cannot express his sexuality due to social pressure and homophobia, which is unfortunately very strong.
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Well, the psychoanalyst Lewis Piart also gave us his observations on this subject.
They have explanations for this kind of behavior in traditional psychology and anthropology. They usually justify it based on the person’s low self-esteem, feeling of being “free” with someone at the same time, and limited sexual behavior with nymphomania. There is even a presumed diagnosis that we can conceive as a symptom in the light of psychoanalysis… they call it * Fortunata Syndrome.
Fortunata syndrome is a dependence on married people, often establishing themselves as their boyfriends.
I don’t doubt that these factors can contribute, but I’m here to speak from a psychoanalytic point of view or at least from my point of view as a psychoanalyst.
In my view, this trend finds support at the Oedipal level, commonly known as the Oedipus complex. Freud based his theory on the Greek myth of Oedipus the King, written by Sophocles. It is during this time – Oedipal – that the child begins to feel the triangle of his first love, where, in the case of women, there is an unconscious desire to take the place of the mother, the father being kept exclusively for himself and in the case. Male, the opposite..
I remember the case of a patient who had a very recurring dream in his childhood, where he was in a fantasy world, which reminded him of the classic “Alice in Wonderland” when he saw his mother calling names from afar. Even before she goes to her mother, it starts to rain – amazing – giant sausage! And in the middle of this rain, his mother was crushed and killed by the sausage. The sausage symbolizes the ancestral phallus, which is not only present, but also removes its mother. He reports that he always wakes up in agony from this dream, and this is exactly how Oedipus happens … When we become aware of our true desire to take the place of our gay parents, agony is inevitable.
Finally, in answer to your question, I do not question the dose of narcissistic libido invested in such behavior, nor do I question the fetish for prohibition, but I can say that I understand from my clinical experience that most people are attracted to married men. Those in their Oedipal stage, lived with parents who had been unfaithful to their wives and this led to repeated conflicts in the marriage.
Thus begins a kind of unconscious search for the love of these parents, who did not want their partner, nor he, but the lover. By placing herself in the place of the lover, the parents are projected to the partner, causing the subject to believe that he will no longer be neglected, and, conversely, to become the chosen one.